


Belief

by Detavot



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: 2CT, Ciel Phantomhive Has a Twin, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Manga, Spoilers for the Manga, This is basically O!Ciel's opinions on belief, This was written while the flashbacks had just started, mangaverse, rip Agni, rip O!Ciel's sanity, so I'm really sorry about any mistakes, this poor boy has gone through way too many stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 14:46:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14896553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Detavot/pseuds/Detavot
Summary: A traumatised mind, a doomed soul, a hopeful heart. These were what he was made of, and he was terrified of the hope he thought he had long since abandoned.





	Belief

**Author's Note:**

> I found this way, waaaay back in my incomplete drafts (I have quite a surprising amount of them...) and I just knew that I needed to share it. 
> 
> I would first like to apologise to Tanaka.

    Belief was such a comforting thing.

    He remembered praying to God every night before he fell asleep, comforted by the thought that angels would watch over him as he slept. Ciel would always finish his prayers first and tease him about taking too long. They would get under the covers, talk and joke for a little while before they fell asleep in each others’ arms. He could remember how protected he had felt, in his older twin’s arms while watched over by angels.

    Belief made the world a better, brighter place.

    He remembered the Sundays they spent in church, the atmosphere full of happiness and peace. The windows which reflected the sunlight so beautifully and the pillars sculpted perfectly made it feel like this place was built by the angels and blessed by God. They listened to the Father speaking the Lord’s words, the words each seeming to build another meaning, another life before their very eyes if one listened close enough.

    He loved them. These were the memories he would hold on to dearly, no matter what.

    Belief was a necessary thing.

    As he watched Ciel turn his back on him and walk out of the door, he had prayed for his safe return. He had prayed something minor had gone wrong, or that it was Father’s untasteful jesting. He had waited for so long, praying to the angels and God. With another silent prayer, this one to himself, he also went out. He wandered the corridors, knowing the angels were watching and protecting him. He was a bit scared but he knew he had nothing to be afraid of. God would protect him.

    As he ran, tripping on so many bodies, he wondered if he had accidentally called all the angels to himself when so many people had desperately needed their protection. He looked at the main hall, decorated with bodies and blood, falling to his knees. He screamed, wailed, sobbed and began to run. He had never managed to run well. He was the sickly spare who never went outside, after all; he didn't really need to exercise like Ciel. Ciel… Where was Ciel? He would know what to do, as he always did. All that was left to do was to find Ciel. They would get through this. The angels were watching them, protecting them. They had to be.

    He saw Tanaka and felt such sweet relief wash over him. They would find Ciel together. They would be safe. As long as Tanaka was with them, everyone would be safe. He smiled, shouting for Tanaka. The alarm in his caretaker’s eyes made him hesitate.

    "No, step back…! Lord Ciel is… It’s too harsh for you…” were the only things that came out of Tanaka’s elderly lips before the poor man was stabbed. He watched with terror as his once invincible caretaker spat out blood and crumbled to the floor. Before he could even scream or process what he had seen, a cloth was pushed against his nose and mouth. The little child blacked out before he knew what had hit him.

    Belief was his last hope.

    Reunited with Ciel in this cage, crying with his once unbreakable older twin, he could not stop praying. This was the only thing he could do, now. There was no chess board here, not even Ciel could manage to speak with their ill-tempered caretaker (or, at least, that’s what he thought the man was), and they both were thin children with no physical strength.

    When powerless, people tended to try to find power from another source. He would later look back at this moment with a cruel smile on his face, amused at the foolishness of his younger self; but now he was determined to pray for the strongest angel to get them out of this mess.

    Belief was cruel.

    He had believed the man had been their kind savior. He had looked at Ciel with hopeful eyes, thinking that their prayers had worked. They were safe, bathed, fed. He thanked God silently, a big grin on his face, up until they walked into the church. He was still young but he knew that no one should wear such scandalous clothes to such a holy place.

    He bet God was laughing at their despair as he looked up at the carved, smiling face of their Lord. He could only ask why, as his mind was silently torn apart alongside his body. He was numb. He felt blood from places he had never known could bleed. Their grins, their laughs, their moans were in his ears, the only things he could hear and see. He wanted to shut it out, he wanted his ears and eyes to grow as numb as the rest of his body.

    Belief was scary.

    It was because of belief they were drugged. It was because of belief they were violated and abused. It was because of belief they were kept in cages.

    He had stopped praying. He knew that even if there was such thing as God, He would not listen. He didn't want to believe anymore, either. Belief could turn him into those cultists and he would rather die. He smiled for Ciel, a kind and hopeful smile he could execute so perfectly even if it now felt foreign to him. He would comfort Ciel. He had to protect his brother, and he did. Sometimes, when Ciel was worn out, he would come out of the cage for both of them. It was only a little bit of pain Ciel was spared, but hit was still something. They hugged one another for warmth in the night. They had stopped trying to huddle with strangers after their blond friend had died in the middle of the night. In that particular morning, the twins had been unpleasantly surprised to wake up and see that they had been cuddling with a cold corpse.

    Belief was unnecessary.

    He was going to die first. He knew that, he was the sickly spare who would ‘gather the attention’ of ‘the demon’. He was fine with that. He would be protecting Ciel with the only way he possibly could at this time, and he was proud of himself for that. He kissed Ciel’s forehead and hugged him for what he knew was the last time. One of them was getting out of this cage, and it was going to be him.

    But the cultists took Ciel. No matter how much he begged or screamed or wailed, they laid Ciel down on that altar and readied their blade. No matter how much Ciel kicked or flailed, the dagger found its way into his belly. No matter how much they had prayed, the angels were not watching or protecting them.

    From his despair and hate, from Ciel’s blood, a demon offered him a deal. One of them was getting of this cage, he decided right then and there as he took the demon’s hand, and it was going to be Ciel.

    Belief was dangerous.

    Ciel knew from first-hand experience that belief was a double-edged sword. He hated it. As he watched his three human servants smile at him, their eyes full of hope, he wanted to throw up and then scream at them. When he met Agni and Soma, he wanted nothing more than the threat they posed gone. As soon as the two began acting suspicious, Sebastian had the order to kill them. Ciel just could not risk it. Agni could hang those men upside down without any trouble. Ciel knew he could be pushed into a cage just as easily. His complete faith and love made him a fearsome enemy to even Sebastian. Some nights, Ciel dreamed the Right Hand of Khali grabbing him and…

    Ciel felt no surprise when Agni made a move in the middle of the night, betraying Soma. When he looked into those golden eyes, tears of betrayal making them glossy, he suddenly felt like he was in that cage again. Soma had no one left to take care of him, to protect him. Ciel shared his story, though leaving a lot of parts out for the benefit of both parties, and tried to teach Soma the lesson he had learned through pain. Who needed belief when you could hold onto that spider thread with your own strength? Soma would eventually learn. Ciel could only hope the prince didn't have to learn it the hard way.

    Belief somehow tied up the loose ends.

    Ciel looked at the sunset, then at the two Indians. Soma was crying, Agni was soothing him with a kind tone and hug. With the Right Hand of Khali, with the hand blessed by belief, Agni was petting the young prince’s hair. He was not pulling Soma’s hair, he was not hurting Soma, he was not pushing him inside a cage, he was not…

    Ciel suddenly felt a lump in his throat. He looked back at the sunset. He blinked back the tears, he shook the horrible thoughts from his head. In that moment, he felt hope for the first time for so, so long. Maybe… Maybe belief wasn't the one to blame. Maybe it all just depended on the person. Agni would not hurt them. The Right Hand of Khali would bring kindness to this world, a kindness Ciel so desperately wanted to remember again. For not the first time, he wished his brother was here in his stead.

    When Soma and Agni decided to stay in England, Ciel hid under the excuse of the two being too annoying and sent them off to London. He doubts even Sebastian knew his true reason was to protect them from his bloodied hands. He should not be near such honest, kind people; his very presence could corrupt their pure belief.

    Belief kept everyone together.

    He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. He laughed at the broken walls, at the orphanage that hadn't been there for years. The alternatives was crying and praying, such useless things to do; so his chuckles echoed into the heavens, his insanity could be heard so plainly in his tone. He laughed at their tragedy, at their lies, at their very existence. He remembered them all, he would never forget them. He would never forget those he had killed for they were human and deserved to live, just like him.

    Their belief was nothing but lies after lies, spun together by a manipulative parental figure and the need to protect those they thought of as family. Ciel was once a part of their ‘family’, too. He remembered Doll’s and Dagger’s genuine smiles, the way everyone would talk and get along with each other. He remembered Doll’s last words.

    He felt no remorse, no pity, no regret. He only felt amused because he was just too broken to experience any other emotion. Though, there was another emotion there, too; hiding just beneath the surface. At least they had died for what they believed in. Ciel would never be able to experience that. His brother was too dead to even want to experience that noble end. Ciel felt envy, deep in his soul.

Belief could never be shackled.

    Lizzy was gone. She had run away, she had betrayed him. Ciel could not bring himself to hate her for it. This was part of the reason why he had returned like this, wasn't it? So that Lizzy wouldn't go out searching? So that Lizzy could believe the lie he had spun, even if every word she uttered betrayed him?

    Ciel had known he couldn't keep her forever. Ciel had known she did not love him, not truly. He had accepted every fact, braced himself for every possible scenario. He just didn't get why now, when everything had been as smooth as it could have been? What had she found? The building, along with its occupants, had been burned to the ground. All evidence was erased, Sebastian and he had been excellent actors!

    He did not pray for her safety. He did not pray for her to come back. He did not pray for answers. He just smiled cruelly, wiped all emotion clean from his mind to deal with later, and made his next move with a clear mind and ruthless hand.

    Belief was being wiped clean.

    He saw Agni’s body. He foolishly asked for Sebastian’s confirmation even though he knew there was no hope. His knees were shaking, his breath was coming in pants. Agni was strong. Agni was kind. Why, why had this happened? Why had this wonderful human (angel) suddenly been taken from the world in which he was desperately needed?

    Sebastian opened the door and they found Soma. Ciel saw the tears, wrath in his golden eyes before an unexpected punch knocked him to the ground. Why, why was this happening? Hadn't he suffered enough? Soma was knocked unconscious. Ciel felt hate burn deep in his soul. He would find the culprits, he would bring them to Soma’s feet and make them beg for the tiniest shred of mercy. He swore it. He and Sebastian began to make their way through the manor, searching for clues.

    When he saw the writing on the wall, he wanted to scream. Sebastian could never lie to him, that had been the first condition of their contract. He… He couldn't…

    “I will never leave your side again,” Ciel said, alive and well. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He felt his servants’ eyes on him, he felt cold anger at Tanaka’s silent but cunning move. He had known Tanaka was going to betray him at some point, that had been the reason why he was still alive and serving at the Phantomhive manor--to be a disposable pawn. But never, even in his wildest dreams, had he expected the betrayal to be under these conditions.

    “He’s right,” he told the servants who tried to protect him, the useless spare. “He’s… the rightful earl.” His voice sounded weak, pathetic; just like he had been so many years ago. He fell to his knees. No sound came out of his parted lips, no tears came out of his mismatched eyes. He was too broken, too tired at this point. Sebastian only observed his movements, at a complete loss probably for the first time in his long life. The boy chuckled, his tone insane and menacing. What were they to do, blasphemer and demon, against the human who had defied Hell and Heaven? What would they do, blasphemer and cheater of death, against the world in which God ruled?

    They would never be graced by belief.


End file.
